One of the struggles that living with lupus or any chronic illness that is maintaining friendships. Friendships are hard for most people. I can't think of one person who has not been hurt by a friend. But, with chronic illness those struggles can be very complex. We want friends but we need friends that have two things. One thing is compassion another is empathy. We never want sympathy! At least I don't. Friends tend to think if one doesn't complain they are feeling fine which can be far from the truth. It takes a very special person to be friends with someone living with chronic illness. Some people honestly can't handle it. They don't have the patience or understanding that we need. They often make the person feel invisible. My illness is invisible but, I am not! I've never been one to complain about my pain & fatigue. But, I do have many days when I'm feeling very sick. I'd like for a friend to ask how I am & really mean it. But, sometimes this doesn't happen. They act as though I must be feeling well because I don't complain. For someone with good health they might not understand this idea. But ask anyone with chronic illness and they will understand exactly what I am saying. Another frustration that I find is friends will say things like "rest up and you'll feel better", umm no not really. I know they probably mean well but it can be so frustrating. Instead I want them to say I hope rest makes it easier for you. We are often made to feel that because our struggles are every day that we are used to it. When actually we never get used to it. Imagine you feeling like you have the flu every, single day of your life with pain that eases but never goes away. That is something no one gets used to. No-one. Another thing people often do is play the compare game. By this I mean they compare their friends, neighbors cousin who has the same chronic illness as you do. They think that if they person does well and works that you are the same, That is another myth. I have had people assume many things about my life because of another person who has the same illness that I have. Every person is different just as every reaction to disease is different. People often don't understand. The illnesses I have are mostly invisible. That fact in itself is beyond frustrating. But, to have a friend assume you are well because "you look good" it's mind blowing! So you might ask what does said friend do to help themselves be a better friend with a person like me? First talk openly with your friend. Ask them about their disease & how it makes us feel. One of the most special moments I had was years ago. My friends child asked me why I used a cane. They were kind and respectful. It made my heart that a child wanted to know more about me. Most people will gladly educate when asked. Another thing is when you ask how we are do it with feeling. Don't ask us like we are strangers. Another very important & frankly consider thing is to consider our physical abilities when planning activities. Are we able to walk through an amusement park without short rests? Can we climb a flight a stairs without struggling? Those are just a couple of examples of what you can do for that friend. Remember we are trying to enjoy our lives too.
